Like everybody else, I believe that birthdays are a time to be grateful. I may still be average; but name it, I have it – family, friends, career, and good health – all at 30. However, reaching this age suddenly got me thinking how long my life would go on from here onwards. Would I be lucky enough to reach 35? 40? 50? Or even 60? Only God knows.

But assuming I’d be blessed to live another 30, that means I’m already halfway through the race. If I’ve spent the first half wishing and wanting, fearing and wondering, I better change my act now.

Thirty should be the age for action. It should be the time to start getting things done – my way; the time to be adventurous, bold, and brave; the time to live out long-time passions; the time to love, help, and serve more; the time to make the ideal into reality, the time to fully take charge of my life and chart my own destiny; and finally, the time to fully accept who I am and what I have been given – strengths and weaknesses, and everything in between.

I believe I’m created the way I am to do the things I’ve been only dreaming about. Every bit of me contributes to my capability.

So, here’s to turning 30!

Things can only get more exciting from here onwards.

Again, thank you.

A good strategist would tell you that everything that you do should lead you closer to your goal. Oh God, let that time come to me. It has been quite some time since I felt so alive. The daily irony is killing me.

Some ironies:

• I have a high tolerance level for putting myself low.
• I am stronger when I just surrender.
• What seems to be a complicated situation often requires a simple solution.
• I forget me all the time.

New directions:

• I’m making more room for quality.
• If my kindness doesn’t kill you, my indifference will.
• I better apply some values in journalism to my personal life. From now on, I’ll stick to the facts.
• First person is I.

You’ve got to give me some slack for not counting years on this one. However, I do admit that I was kind of dense (again) considering that the same set of red flags were already flashed before me. I went on thinking this was going to be different. I think we all know now that it wasn’t.

But I’m back on my feet again and I’m much more composed now than before. I’m letting this one go because we’ve both had enough: I’ve had enough of the same old story while the other party had enough of me. How so? Because no one should be that lucky to receive that much without giving any.

Besides, I do believe that I could be luckier with a new one — someone who can equally give and take.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. (Reinhold Niebuhr)

I appreciate the beauty of surrender. It’s not about being coward nor losing hope. It’s about being realistic. It’s about recognizing that perhaps there is something (or someone) better in store for me.

Control never assured anyone of happiness because in one way or another, things do go way out of hand. Nevertheless, I find it comforting and empowering to know that I can control myself, my thoughts, and my action.

That no matter what happens, everything is a matter of perspective. That even on a rainy day, the warmth of a blanket makes me feel better and think that all is well.

I can’t talk right now. I’ll just borrow these lines from Alanis Morissette’s You Learn.

You live you learn
You love you learn
You cry you learn
You lose you learn
You bleed you learn
You scream you learn

I contradict myself most of the time. I say one thing but I do another. My friends know this. And I love them for not ditching me.

Today is no exception. Yesterday, I had it all planned out. Yet, surprisingly (more like as expected, actually), today, I just swallowed my words and went on with the flow. I played it by ear. And it ended with what I could only describe as a big improvement. Cheek by cheek.

I do believe this is something different.

I do believe I deserve to have that kind of experience.

I do believe we would be good for each other.

I do believe because I need to.

I do believe because I just do.

Go figure.

September 6, 2009

You know, someone (and you know exactly who it is) used to do a lot of nice things for you, but what have they done for you lately? If it takes you more than five minutes to think of the last time the thought of you-know-who brought you a genuine moment of pleasure, perhaps it’s time to rethink your relationship. Is this a situation that can be changed? Is it one you even want to change? All these are very good questions. Start thinking.

I haven’t been blogging. But now I am.

Online social networks eat most of my time; checking what’s happening with other peoples’ lives that I tend to forget and reflect on my own. I hardy write here anymore. But come to think of it, I do have a lot to write about. But I’d rather keep most of them private.

Things are looking better now. Some people may think I’ve wasted time, but I did need a bit of down time to sort things out. I’ve been through major adjustments these past few months. Those times were tough, but I’ve waded through and I’ve come up with a plan. In hindsight, it was harder to go through my daily routine without showing anyone a hint that I was about to crack any time. But I guess I have mastered the art of cover up and elusiveness to shy people away from the mess I was sorting through every single day. Thank God for good friends too as I wouldn’t have survived without them.

Perhaps, anyone who is about to turn thirty does go through phases of backtracking — have I done right? am I where I am supposed to be? — and projecting — what do I do next? what will become of me?

Finding answers to these questions (I actually have more!) can be draining and exhilarating at the same time. I did have a lot of misses. However, I would like to give my self some credit for things I’ve done right. And I do believe I’ve made more good choices than bad ones. Haha.

Now, factoring all the hits and misses has lead me to clearly know what I want out of work, relationships, and life in general. Here’s a summary

I want to earn more to serve more. (Family, friends, and community)

I want the real deal. (No more one-way and no more suckers, please.)

I want to do what I do best. (To do my life-long passions. I may be too old when I’m forty.)

Thirty, here I come!